Abuse in teen dating

Abuse in teen dating.pdf
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Table of contents

• What is this booklet about?
• Content warning
• What is an abusive relationship?
• What would it feel like?
• The Cycle of Abuse
• Teens in abusive relationships
• Quizzes and tests
• How can a teen in an abusive relationship help themselves?
• How would we recognize an abusive relationship from the outside?
• How can a friend help someone in an abusive relationship help?
• My friend is the abuser ... how can I help them?
• What might cause an abusive relationship?
• Staying safe whether you decide to stay together or end the relationship
• A healthy relationship includes  ...
• You deserve a healthy relationship!

 

What is this booklet about?
TeenTalk volunteers have created a few strategies you might find helpful during the hard times. Each volunteer at TeenTalk has their own unique story and their own personal experiences and struggles, which is what makes TeenTalk such a great resource. We are teens between the ages of 15 and 19, and we know what it’s like to face some of the same struggles. Some may have struggled with something similar to you. You are not alone and we at TeenTalk are here for you. What you will find in this "booklet" are coping strategies our TeenTalk volunteers found or have used to work through tough moments. Please note that we are teens/peers and not professionals. We have gathered ideas we think are helpful and not every suggestion will fit you and that is OK.  Use and do what is right for you!

 

Content warning: This "booklet" is intended for support and to provide suggestions around coping with difficult situations. It includes references to dating violence. If this puts you at risk of experiencing trauma, flashbacks, or any other reaction you may have to emotionally stressful subjects, consider a safety plan. Do not read this "booklet" if the subject matter puts you at risk of being triggered, or make sure to read it when you feel you are in a good place mentally and emotionally. If you do read it and find yourself having a difficult time with emotions, memories, etc. or are feeling triggered by the "booklet," look toward a good friend, family member, counselor, or the Crisis Line (1.800.626.8137) to discuss it with or try finding a good outlet like a sport, book, art, or other favorite pastime. Remember to take care of yourself as well as others!

 

​What is an abusive relationship?
There are many forms of abuse in a relationship.  Knowing the types will make it easier to recognize an abusive relationship.  The following is a list of different types of abuse:

• Emotional abuse
• Physical abuse
• Isolation
• Minimizing, denying, blame shifting
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Digital abuse
• Economic abuse

 

Emotional abuse (2)

• Calling partner names and/or putting them down
• Making partner feel bad about himself or herself
• Playing mind games
• Interrogating  partner
• Harassing or intimidating their partner
• Humiliating  partner
• Making  partner feel guilty
• Shaming partner

 

Physical abuse (1)

• grabbing
• pinching
• shoving
• slapping
• hitting
• hair pulling
• biting
• holding or grabbing clothes
• preventing partner from leaving

 

Isolation (3)

• Controlling what partner does
• Limiting partners' outside involvement
• Demanding partner remain home when they are not with them
• Cutting partner off from friends, activities, and social interaction
• Using jealousy to justify their actions

 

Minimizing, denying, blame shifting (3)

• Making light of the abuse and not taking partners' concerns about it seriously
• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn’t that bad
• Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior to their partner
• Saying their partner caused the abuse

 

Intimidation (1)

• Using looks, actions, gestures to create fear
• Smashing or destroying things/objects
• Destroying or taking partners' stuff
• Abusing pets to show power and control
• Displaying weapons or threatening to use them
• Making physical threats towards partner, others, and themselves

 

​Sexual abuse (4)

• Forcing sexual contact on partner without consent, this includes pressuring partner go farther than they wanted, forcing partner into sexual acts, and having sexual contact with partner when they are very drunk, drugged, unconscious or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no”
• Keeping partner from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or practicing safe sex
• Putting partner down for their sexuality

 

Digital abuse (1)

• Controls who their partner can or can’t be friends with on social media
• Sends negative, insulting or even threatening emails, text messages, or other messages online
• Uses social media to keep constant tabs
• Puts partner down in their status updates
• Sends unwanted, explicit pictures/video and demands partner to send some in return
• Abuser steals or insists to be given partners passwords
• Constantly texts and makes partner feel like they can’t be separated from their phone for fear that they will be punished
• Looks through partner’s phone frequently to check up on pictures, texts, and outgoing calls

 

Economic abuse (1)

• Forces partner to give them access to their bank accounts
• Prevents partner from working, attending school, skill-training sessions or establishes time limits and/or curfews
• Withholds physical resources including food, clothes, necessary medications or shelter
• Buys things for themselves, but refuses to let their partner do the same

 

​What would it feel like? (6)

• Feeling of confusion, anxiety and frustration
• You may feel as though you're ‘walking on eggshells’
• The abusive person’s needs and opinions dominate, and you feel controlled by them

 

​The Cycle of Abuse (5)

 

​Who experiences abuse? (8)

• All Ages
• Women AND Men
• All sexual orientations
• All economic backgrounds
• All religion
• All races

 

Teens in abusive relationships (1)
Check out the film titled, “Causing Pain: Real Stories of Dating Abuse and Violence”, which can be found on YouTube.  The film tells the stories of real teens who have experienced abuse in their relationship

​Teen abuse statistics

• “1 in 3 adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.”
• “Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence almost triple the national average. “
• “Violent behavior typically begins between the ages of 12 and 18.”
• “Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance use, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.”

 

​Quizzes and tests
There are online quizzes to help teens recognize abusive relationships.  Is your relationship abusive? Check out the following websites to find online quizzes:

• LoveisRespect.org: Is my relationship healthy?
• LoveisRespect.org: Am I good partner?
• Love: the good, the bad and the ugly: Is it love or control?​

 

​How can a teen in an abusive relationship help themselves? (9)

• Make sure you are safe.
• Avoid isolation.
• Ask for help from counselors and use a hotline or warmline for support and information.
• Contact local resources like the YWCA Safe Choice Domestic Violence Program.
• If your partner has physically attacked you, don't wait to get medical attention or to call the police (911).

 

​How would we recognize an abusive relationship from the outside? (2)
Does the person being abused…

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner?
• Go along with everything their partner says and does?
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing?
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner?
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness?
• Seem restricted from seeing friends and family?
• Miss school or work?
• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident?
• Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)?
• Appear or report being depressed, anxious, or suicidal?

 

How can a friend help someone in an abusive relationship?

DO

• Listen and validate
• Ask if something is wrong
• Express concern
• Offer help
• Support their decisions

DON'T

• Wait for them to come to you
• Judge or blame
• Pressure him or her
• Give advice
• Place conditions on your support 2

 

 
My friend is the abuser  . . .   how can I help them? (1)

• Know the warning signs of abuse, then help your friend recognize their abusive behaviors.
• Do not support or justify your friend’s feelings or comments that try to put blame on the victim.
• Help your friend understand what it would be like to be in the victim’s shoes. 
• Don’t allow your friend to minimize the seriousness of the abuse.
• Don’t ignore or be silent when abuse takes place.  Silence can make the abuser feel as though their actions are not wrong. 
• Encourage your friend to get professional help or involved in programs that can help and have a list of resources ready or have them contact a warm line or help line.
• Stay in touch with your friend about the abuse even after they are on the path to recovery.
• Set an example and create your own healthy relationships.
• Your friend has to decide themselves to change you can’t force them.

 

​What might cause an abusive relationship? (7)

• Need for control
• Learned behavior
• Substance use

 

​Staying safe whether you decide to stay together or end the relationship (1)
Staying together. You may not be ready or it may not be possible to leave your abusive relationship, but you can still increase your safety. 

• If you go to a party or event with your partner, plan a way home with someone you trust.
• Avoid being alone with your partner. Plan group activities or make sure your parents or friends are near.
• If you're alone with your partner, make sure that someone knows where you are and when you'll return.
• If you can, always keep your phone on you.

Preparing for a break up

• Hangout with your friends or family more.
• Pick up new activities to fill your free time such as gym, arts, clubs, sports, or concerts.
• Create a support system, friends, family, teachers, counselors and hotlines to help you through the harder times.
• If you fear for your safety while ending your relationship, create a safety plan with a counselor or a local resource such as the YWCA.

​Breaking up

• If you don’t feel safe, don’t break up in person. Do it over the phone or by email.
• If you break up in person, do it in a public place. Have friends or your parents wait nearby. If possible, take a cell phone with you.
• Don’t try to explain your reasons for ending the relationship more than once. There is nothing you can say that will make your ex happy.
• Do not be afraid to ask for help from family and friends.

After breaking up

• If you miss your partner after you break up, even if they’ve been abusive and controlling, it's normal. To keep yourself strong, try writing down the reasons you ended your relationship and keep it as a reminder for times you start to miss them.
• If you can, tell your parents and friends what’s going on, just in case your ex tries to visit your home or other places you hang out.
• Talk to a school counselor, teacher, or principal.  Together, you can alert security, rearrange your class schedule, and create safe ways get to and from classes and school.
• Avoid isolated areas at school and around town.  Don’t walk alone and always be aware of your surroundings; that means not wearing earphones.
• Always be accompanied by friends or family when attending events or parties that your ex might also attend.
• Document and keep threatening or harassing messages your ex sends on social network sites or over the phone.
• Update your privacy settings on your social networking sites.
• Reach out to hotlines and warm lines for times you may need to vent or need third party support.
• Never hesitate to call 911 if you feel that you are in immediate danger. Trust your safety instincts.

 

​A healthy relationship includes . . . (3)

• Respect
• Trust and support
• Honesty and accountability
• Shared responsibility

 

​You deserve a healthy relationship! (10)

• You deserve to feel good about yourself when you are with your partner.
• You deserve to have an equal and balanced relationship where there is the same amount of give and take.
• You deserve to feel safe around the person you are dating.
• You deserve to be trusted by your partner.
• You deserve to have fun and enjoy being around your partner.
• You deserve to be able to talk honestly and freely with your partner.
• You deserve to share decision making with your partner.

​All information was obtained from:

1. LoveisRespect.org
2. Helpguide.org  
3. OregonYouthLine.org
4. Stayteen.org
5. Labmf.org

6. Lovegoodbadugly.com
7. Livestrong.com
8. Teenrelationships.org
9. Kidshealth.org
10. Youngwomenhealth.org