how to always get pronouns right
I have been friends for 5 years with someone who came out as transgender 2 yrs ago. Sometimes I mess up and use their old pronoun. Most times I get it right. When I get it wrong I apologize and they are pretty good about it but then I feel bad and awkward. We are becoming less close of friends and that feels really bad to me. How do I get their pronoun right all the time so there's no awkward.
from May
Hi! Im May. I’m so glad you reached out for support. I understand that getting peoples pronouns correct can be difficult sometimes. It’s okay that you’re having a hard time with it. It sounds like you don’t mean to use the pronouns, and it is just an honest mistake and that is okay. One thing I think is important is that when you get your friend’s pronouns wrong, try not to make a bit deal out of it. In my personal experience, when someone uses incorrect pronouns for me, I prefer that they correct themselves, quickly say sorry and then move on. Making a big deal out of it can make it worse. Sometimes I struggle with remembering people’s correct pronouns too, so the biggest thing I do to help with that is just defaulting to “they” for everyone (unless someone specifically tells me not to use they/them pronouns for them). They/them pronouns are gender neutral and if you start using them more often, you’ll get used to it. Another thing to do is even when you’re talking about your friend when they’re not in the room, or even when you’re just thinking about them, put in effort to use their pronouns correctly. If you put in effort to use the correct pronouns for them all of the time, it will eventually become a second nature to you. It sounds to me like you are a great friend. You want to get their pronouns right, and you are seeking advice on how to do that and that is amazing! I think it would be great if you talked to your friend about this. Even just telling them that you’re putting effort into getting their pronouns right and that your sorry could make a difference, and could also help you feel better. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to talk more! We’re open 4-9 from Monday-Thursday, and 4-7 on Friday if you need anything else. from Marley
Hey ! Thank you for reaching out to us, it can be difficult to ask for advice sometimes and you’re beyond courageous for taking that first step :) - It seems like you really care about your friend and I think that more than shows in the way you speak about them. I definitely think it’s clear you respect your friend and friend’s identity and I think it’s more than great that you want to make sure you’re working on respecting their pronouns as well. In my experience ways that I think might help you remember their pronouns could be through repetition and communication, telling them that you respect their identity and pronouns is important and I think further instilling that could potentially benefit you both ! :) Anyways, I hope everything works out in your favor and feel more than free to reach out again ! :) from hailey
Hey! Thanks so much for reaching out honestly I understand where you are coming from the best thing I can say is that it’s okay to not get it perfect every time the most you can do is try and make a conscious effort to get it right and the more you get it right the more natural it’ll feel and eventually you’ll get it perfect every time that’s all I can say I hope that helps and good luck. - Hailey :) from jon
Hey, thanks for contacting TeenTalk. I’m sorry to hear that you are having trouble with remembering your friend’s pronouns, but I think it’s great that you are trying to make an effort to correct yourself when using the wrong ones. I have also had problems remembering pronouns in the past, and one thing I do is trying to use the pronoun in my head when associating it with the person. A bit like doing flash cards in my head, I correct myself before referring to their pronouns. It’s important that you communicate with your friend with your feelings and so you can hopefully work an understanding. Communication in general is an important way to maintain a long friendship. If I notice a friendship is straining, I’ll try doing things that they like to do more often so that they know I am interested in what they like. Have a good one, Jon from eric
Thank you for reaching out. I would start by trying to not be hard on yourself. These things can take time to adjust to. I would also, (if you're comfortable) ask your friend if they have any recommendations for you, so that way they can see you truly care about them and are trying. Each time you get it right, I would really acknowledge it in your mind of how proud you are of yourself. I hope things improve! -Eric from mia
Hey! Thanks for reaching out to us! Although I have not been in a situation like this, I completely understand. It is definitely hard when you have to get used to calling someone other than what you are used to. It’s completely okay if you mess up sometimes since you are making an effort to get their pronouns right. Getting used to a change can take a while. I think it would be a good idea to talk to the person and explain how you feel about your friendship and that you are genuinely trying to get their pronouns right, it’s just taking some time. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re human too! from heather
Hi! I appreciate you reaching out :). I think it’s amazing that you care so much about getting your friend’s pronouns right. It really shows that you’re a great friend! It’s okay to mess up, especially if you’re aware of your mistake and try your best to get their pronouns right. What matters is that you’re trying your best and as you said, you’re getting it right most of the time! I’m proud of the effort you’ve put in to make your friend feel comfortable and I hope you’re proud of yourself as well! You’re doing a great job, showing that you care by correcting yourself and apologizing is enough. I wish you the best of luck with your friendship, you sound like a great friend. from quinn
Hello! Thank you for reaching out! I'm Quinn and I use they/them pronouns and I have a lot of experience being misgendered and I have messed up on others pronouns as well. I know how it feels to mess up and feel terrible about it, it really sucks. I know you want to never mess up, but the truth is that you're going to mess up. To help, I would just practice using their correct pronouns and you get better that way. It can hurt when someone misgenders me, but most of the time I feel fine. I honestly feel worse when someone makes a big deal about and keeps apologizing or bringing it up again. It makes it feel like you have to make the person who misgendered you feel better about it. The best thing to do when you misgender someone is to correct yourself and move on. Try to forgive yourself, you don't need to beat yourself up about it. Your friend probably isn't mad, and just wants to continue on like normal. If you want you could ask your friend what they would prefer you do when you mess up. If you are becoming less close maybe you could talk to your friend about it and talk it out. And just make more of an effort to maintain your relationship. Best of luck, and don't be too hard on yourself! fom vanessa
Hi! We appreciate you reaching out. My name is Vanessa, and although I don't have any experience with being misgendered I do have experience with messing up the wrong pronoun. You can’t be too hard on yourself because you're human and will make mistakes, you can try talking to them and explain that you are trying to do your best, mention that you love being their friend and think of them as brave for coming out. People just want to be loved and understood, so try expressing that to hopefully get their feeling toward the situation. You could try doing things that you guys did together to rekindle the friendship. I hope you start to feel better and best success to you from dahlia
Hello, I am Dahlia. It can take time to get used to calling someone pronouns you weren't accustomed to using for them. However, I believe your friend is grateful that you are trying to use their correct pronouns. Also, you said your friend does not seem bothered when you accidentally call them by their wrong pronouns, so I don't believe your friend wants to become distant from you. Sometimes, humans feel as if the people around them dislike them or do not want to have a friendship with them. I noticed this is usually the case when individuals feel insecure about themselves or have other circumstances that make them feel worried or stressed. Perhaps you feel that you are becoming distant from your friend because you feel ashamed, so you feel that your friend thinks negatively about you when you are together. I suggest you tell your friend how you feel. You could let them know you cherish them and support them, but you are still struggling with getting their pronouns right all the time. As for how to always use their correct pronouns, you could ask your friend if they ever struggled with getting used to their pronouns, and what they did to get used to it. Perhaps they have feedback that could help you. I would also suggest you try and practice using their pronouns by imagining conversations with them that allow you to repeatedly mention their pronouns. I understand this situation can feel overwhelming, but you are trying your best and I am proud of you! If anything comes up, please feel free to message or call. I hope all goes well. 07/08/2024- How to have more
Last year i only had one friend . How can I have more then one next year
from marley
Hii!!! I’m Marley, thank you for reaching out to us! Making friends can be difficult sometimes, and that’s totally normal! In the past, whenever I wanted to make new friends, I tried joining clubs or sports that I liked. Meeting people who have similar interests is always nice, and it can definitely help to make new friends and meet new people! But If clubs or sports aren’t your thing, you could always try going to social events through school or family! I hope some of this advice helps, but if not, I’m always here to listen and support you however I can! - Marley 😊 from Jen
Hi! Thank you for sending us a message. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having one friend. I used to only have one friend and we were vibing. But I think it’s also great wanting to meet new people and make more friends. Something you can try is saying hi to people from your class. If you see someone you know in the hallway you can wave or smile and maybe that can spark a connection or friendship. You can always be kind to others. Some of the coolest kids at school are the ones who are nice to other people. Everyone likes nice people because they are fun to be around and make you feel good. That would be my best advice on making friends. Also just being positive can make you and the people around you feel better. You can also try joining clubs or activities where you can be social and meet new people. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can always send us a message or call in. I’m Jen and would be happy to chat, my shifts are Thursday 6-9 or any of the other awesome volunteers would love to talk with you. from hailey
Hey thanks for reaching out to ask it’s brave to ask how to make friends! The biggest thing when making more friends is reaching out to others, by asking them to have lunch with you and your other friend, or asking to sit next to them in class, or simply just saying hi when you see them. Along with that is paying attention, listen to what the person likes and what they are saying, by doing that you show them that you care and want to be friends. Hopefully they think the same about you and want to be friends with you too, if they are rude to you or decide they don’t want your friendship let that be okay if they don’t want to be friends that’s their decision, and that means they probably aren’t someone you want to be friends with anyway. That’s all the guidance I can provide for you I wish you so much luck and I hope you make lots more friends. I’d love to hear how it went for you in the future so please text or call teen talk to let us know and if you want to tell me specifically my shift is Thursdays 4-7 good luck friend I hope you’re surrounded by friends next year. Your newest friend, Hailey:) from emma
Hey there, I'm glad that you are reaching out to us. I know the feelings of making new friends, it can be scary and nerve recking at the same time. I have a lot of trouble carrying out a conversation with other, but one things that help me a lot is ask question about the other. For example, if you are at school, you can start a conversations with your classmate, you can talk about the class itself, like have you done this homework or do you understand this part of the lessons. After that compliment them, you don't need to compliment their appearance, look around them see if something stand out to you like, "oh that a cute phone case you got or your shoe is so sick". But the important point of making friends is that you are comfortable, don't push yourself into a situation that you are unsure and uncomfortable. Be yourself, let the other knows who you are, it will attracted them, be kind and honest. Those are things that help me to make friends, so I hope it can give you some ideas of making new friends. I wish you all the best luck and kindness of making new friends next year. Don't be shy to reach out to use again if you want more advice or help, we will all be there for you!! -Emma- from sarah
Hello I’m Sarah, thank you so much for taking the courage to reach out to us at TeenTalk! I am glad that you reached out with this question because many people that I know, and myself included have struggled with this in the past. Expanding your circle can always be difficult but it can also be extremely gratifying. Something that I have worked on doing to put myself out there, so to speak, is pushing myself to meet new people. Even though that may seem like a small thing, it is something that I have always found terrifying, and have never had the courage or self confidence to carry out. I have always struggled with putting these things into action like in starting up a conversation with a stranger, but as soon as I began to, I realized it really is not too hard. Taking small steps in order to gradually put yourself out there more may repay you in the moment, it may repay you in the future, and possibly it may not repay you ever, but that is okay and it is worth it due to the fact that you began the practice of those small steps. Those small steps will snowball into the confidence and determination that you can use to put yourself out there, and will help you to meet new friends next year. Thank you for reaching out and remember to not push yourself, but take gradual steps, Sarah from eric
Hey thank you for reaching out! I totally understand where you're coming from. I would suggest talking to people you would never imagine talking to, and trying to engage in conversations you have commonalities in. Just remember, that the amount of the friends isn't everything, and to keep with the friendships you have. -Eric 12/13/2021 - Friend in crisis- SA
I have a friend who opened up to me about being harmed by another peer while under the influence. They feel guilty and responsible even though they were abused while physically helpless which is of course not their responsibility. I want to help them in any way I can, but I'm not sure what to do because I know it's important I protect their confidentiality as well. I just don't want any other girls to get hurt by this boy and him to think it's okay to take advantage of inability to consent. I've tried looking around for resources specifically near where they were attacked but it's hard to anonymously report that way. What is the best thing I can do?
FROM VALERIE
Hello, I'm so glad you decided to reach out about this because eventhough it might not have happened directly to you this is still a lot to process. The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for them, even just holding their hand or texting to check in can mean a whole lot. I understand wanting to be the voice for your friend who has been suffering, but encouraging them to say something could be the most empowering and helpful way for them take that control back. They can call (360) 695-0501, which is the YWCA, a non-profit that offers support for women. They can connect you to other resources and people that should be able to help. Staying anonymous might not be possible, but the most important thing big is the safety/wellbeing of your friend and other people. You can offer to be there every step of the way, especially during that phone call which can be pretty nerve wracking. This is all up to your friend of course, it might be a long time before they're okay with the idea. Whenever they're ready, that's when they'll need support the most. Good luck, and as you're there to support your friend, we're here to support you so please feel free to reach out again. FROM MONIKA
hi, i'm so so glad you reached out to us!!! i know it's nervewracking when wanting to help someone but keep their confidentiality. i'm so proud of you for wanting to help out your friend in this situation, i could never imagine having to go through that. also kudos for looking for resources, super smart !!! there are more than a few things you can do in this situation, i'll do my best to provide some clarity/options. just remember that this is advice, and the best i can do is provide support. it sounds like you're doing this already, but i'd say one of the most important things is to keep their confidentiality. do they want to report this, or do they not? this especially is something that's really hard to talk about, so keep that in mind to respect their boundries. other than that, if i were in your shoes i would offer to be with them if they decide to seek medical/professional help if they would like you to be with them as support! it can be scary reaching out for help, i know because i've done it myself. the journey is less scary when there's a hand to hold. you can check in with them every now and then to see how they're doing. while it's not your job to be their therapist and fix their problems, you can still show them you care and want what's best for them, even if you may not know what that is. i know this because it helps me when my friends notice i'm down. while they and i know they can't fix my problems, them coming up to me and saying, "hey, do you need anything?" it shows me that i am loved and cared for. I do have to mention that although we are anonymous and confidential, we are mandatory reporters. This means that when we have someone contact us and share information that includes anything along the lines of someone being hurt or hurting someone else, (or in this case something involving a situation where something is legally required to be reported, such as sexual assault) we have to report it to someone bigger than us. While we are a support line, we are not a crisis line. You may have someone reaching out to you to follow up on what you shared, and how to support your friend. In the case you are followed up on about this, there should be ways to help your friend while keeping yourself confidential! If you are reached out to, you can definitely talk to them about your privacy and/or concerns and they will do their best to help you and your friend!! RAINN is the rape, abuse and incest national network where you can call or use their live chat to get confidential support to get more questions answered about seeking medical attention, legal information, and more. you can call them at 1.800.656.4673. (24/7!) i'm not sure if you're in the Clark County area, but here's YWCA clark county sexual assault crisis line ! toll free: 1.800.695.0167. local: 360.695.0501. they are also 24/7, providing medical and emotional support to sexual assault survivors and even their families. they can provide support groups, advocacy, and more. you can suggest these resources to your friend if they are interested, they're both available 24/7 over the phone! thank you so much for reaching out to us, you sound like an amazing friend !!! :) i wish the both of you the best, and if you'd like you can follow up with me when i'm on my shift to tell me how it goes or if you have any questions, i'd be more than happy to !!! i'm monika, i'm here on mondays every other week and thursdays when i'm not here on mondays. (kinda confusing, sorry.) We are open mondays-thursdays from 4-9, and fridays from 4-7! If you contact us while we’re not open, we will get back to you asap once we open! good luck, stay safe!!! have a great rest of your week!!! :) FROM ABBY
I'm so sorry that your friend has gone through that, it's so hard to hear when a friend has gotten hurt like that, and I can't even imagine what your friend has gone through recently. If you or your friend is comfortable with it, there are some confidential services such as End Harm Line at 1(866)363-4276, that is for reporting from people like you or your friend to call and report all anonymously. RAINN which offers confidential support, and YWCA can also help your friend too by offering counseling options. It's all up to your friend, and their comfort levels. TeenTalk is also happy to help as well to talk to and offer support. It is likely that if you talk to someone in an upper position in the boy’s life such as a principal, his boss, etc. and mention that it has to stay anonymous they will hopefully respect that while also taking it seriously. Unfortunately I know people who have had to go through similar experiences, so that's how I know about things like that, hopefully it will work out alright for your friend and you. You sound like a wonderful friend though. I hope the best for both of you, no one should have to go through what your friend has gone through, I hope that the perpetrator will get reprimanded for his actions as soon as possible. FROM VANESSA
Hi friend! thank you for reaching out and im very happy that you're trying to do why you can to help your friend and try to protect those around you. Reporting abusers is hard and i understand that and trying to keep it anonymous is even harder. We have a few resources on our website that would help reporting this anonymously. RAINN is a good website you can visit to get some questions answered by professionals while trying to keep it as confidential as possible. Their number is 1(800)656-4673. this is a big step and im very proud of you for being brave and wanting to help not only your friend but other people that might have to go through the same thing. Of course, there are other ways to report but unfortunately there isn't much confidentiality around that. If your friend chooses, they can go to the hospital where they can get medical care or an evidence kit. of course, the sooner the better but its understandable if your friend decides to not choose this option. The hospital will try to protect your friends privacy as much as possible meaning that only people they want to know will know. legally, the hospital must call the police but if your friend chooses to not interact with the police, they do not have to. Everything is optional and they get to choose what tests the hospital runs, who to talk to, ext. If your friend is afraid of their safety if they do report the crime, police can assist in the protection part of that. You are both so incredibly brave and i'm very proud of you for reaching out. I hope i was able to help you even just a little bit and i hope your friend can find some peace in their heart after eveything they have gone through. sending a lot of hugs and warmth <3 please stay safe |
