05/17/2023 - BOYFRIEND
I have a boyfriend that I really like, but I don't always wanna kiss him and cuddle with him I do sometimes but not always. Sometimes I just wanna hang out. Can I still like someone without wanting to kiss them?
FROM MAKAYLA
Hey, I'm glad you reached out. I would say that it is perfectly acceptable to not want to do things like that. A healthy relationship is all about boundaries and respecting each other in every way. I hope you feel good with your feelings and know they are valid. FROM AMELIA
Hi there, my name is Amelia. You can totally still like someone without wanting to be intimate all the time! And don't feel like just because you did it once you always have to do it going forward. Sometimes you're just not in the mood to cuddle or kiss with someone and that's ok. And definitely don't do anything that you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable doing. Consent is very important in every relationship and you want to make sure both parties are honoring that. Definitely don't feel bad, spending quality time with your significant other can be just as important! FROM MIA
Hello! Thank you for reaching out to us! I understand how you feel when you say you don't want to always kiss and cuddle with your boyfriend. We all need to do things that are comfortable for ourselves. I think communicating what you want is always important. And yes, you can still like someone without having to be physical with them. Don't hesitate to reach out to us! FROM BRI
Hello! Thank you for reaching out! I feel like that is so relatable. I think there can definitely be a lot of pressure to be physically affectionate in a relationship but I think being interested in doing other things together is a positive sign that you like them as a person too :) Have you talked to him about how you are feeling yet? I think communication can be so important in a relationship and maybe clarifying if there are any misunderstandings about why you might not be interested in that time with that form of touch. I don't know if you have heard of it before, but the 5 love languages is a book and online website and it talks about how different people show and prefer to receive their form of love whether it is acts of service (like doing chores for someone), or physical touch (kissing and cuddling), or quality time (like hanging out or doing something together), gifts (little things that reminded you of them) or words of affirmation (compliments or validating words). Sometimes understanding the love language you prefer and the love language your prefer to give to others can be really insightful as well as knowing it about your boyfriend. Your feelings are very valid and its okay to want to spend time with someone you really like. I'd really love to hear more about how things are going and in the mean time I hope you get to have some fun hang out time :) FRom David
Hi my names David and thanks for reaching out! You can definitely like someone without wanting to kiss them and that's completely ok. I know that a relationship with another person is a lot more than just cuddling and kissing and it's normal to want to do other things with that person as well. If you really like your boyfriend you should suggest you guys go do something fun that you enjoy that doesn't necessarily involve touching like going for a walk or going out to eat. I think your feelings are valid of not wanting to always kiss and cuddle and your boyfriend should respect those boundaries! From Leslie
hi, thank you for sending in your question :) it is totally normal to not always want to be physically affectionate with your boyfriend! everyone has different levels of comfortability with that and every level is valid. i'd probably recommend talking to your boyfriend about it if you're feeling insecure over it so he can comfort you and you guys can talk about it, but in general you definitely don't need to worry about this. you can for sure still like someone without wanting to kiss them ^^ 1/7/2025- I REALLY want a boyfriend
Before I write this post, please know that I ONLY want responses from fellow heterosexual 17-18 year-olds or older. And those of whom have also had at least a little bit of dating experience. I will NOT be taking advice from somebody who has never experienced an actual relationship for themselves before.
And for the love of God, please proofread your grammar/spelling/punctuation before you send. Bad English pisses me off, and I can spot it in some of your bios. Not a good look. I am an 18-year-old girl in my senior year of high school who has been in 3 relationships before, as well as some talking stages, and I have had MANY crushes throughout the years. I even once had a Friends With Benefits situation that I managed to navigate smoothly. Outside of just relationships, I am a very social, outgoing, confident person with many friends (mostly acquaintance-type friends, but still). With all the experience I've had, I know EXACTLY what I'm looking for, and everything I need to know about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. I have been in both types before. I have also experienced my fair share of unsafe guys, so I know exactly what red flags to look out for in terms of spotting a predator. They can be smarter than you would expect. I have no problem being single. It's fine, and I still have a great life. But if I'm gonna be completely honest here, I would MUCH rather be in a relationship. Simply because, if done right, relationships are both FUN as well as great learning experiences. They add "plot" to life, if you know what I mean. Being single feels boring, and I want to spice things up. Along with that, if I'm gonna be completely honest here, I have a VERY high sex drive. Even if I can't score a good boyfriend, I would have no problem scoring a FWB instead- as long as they are somebody I get to know WELL first and can trust. Contrary to what I'm supposed to believe, I don't think casual sex is wrong... I just think that it suits certain personalities better than others, and that there are both responsible and irresponsible ways to go about it. I want a boyfriend. REALLY bad. And I know I CAN get one, because I have succeeded multiple times before. But, it feels damn near impossible to find any suitable options at THIS stage in my life, because: 1) ¾ of the school is now younger than me. 2) The people at school who ARE my age often go off to Running Start or Cascadia Tech, hence there are not too many actually being AT school like me. 3) There’s only so many people in the same 6 classes every day. 4) Many people only stick to their cliques/groups. 5) Even if I knew more boys my age, let's be real here... a lot of them simply aren't mature enough to know what to do dating-wise. 6) Although looks are not THE most important thing, my type tends to be skinny white boys, and those are pretty rare at my school. *Part of this message has been redacted* 7) Unfortunately, boys switch up REAL fast sometimes. Just last month I met a boy who seemed to really like me, had EVERYTHING I was looking for, and then despite making future hangout plans with me, suddenly ghosted me out of NOWHERE, with zero explanation- even after I confronted him about it. And that is not the first time I have had something like that happen to me. Here's what I'm looking for in a guy, if it gives you a better idea of why I'm having tough luck: -Motivation/work ethic -Emotional intelligence/maturity -Enthusiasm and outgoingness -Emotional availability (not too much baggage) -Not religiously extreme -Not politically extreme in either direction -No heavy drugs/drinking -Has dating experience himself. I do NOT want to be someone's first girlfriend... or as I call it, "the training grounds”. I want a guy who knows what he’s doing. Let's be real here, most high school boys do not meet all that criteria. But NO way am I going to lower my standards. I’ve talked with my therapist about this, and she agrees that I’m probably not going to find a guy with what I want until college… which is in over 9 MONTHS. I DON’T WANT TO WAIT 9 MONTHS. THAT’S SO FRICKIN’ LONG. And don’t tell me to “JuSt EnJoY bEiNg SiNgLe wHiLe It LaStS”, “WeLL JuSt Go MoRe PLaCeS aNd PuT yOuRsELf OuT tHeRe mOre!” or “FiNd WaYs To StAy BuSy, yOu DoN’T nEeD a MaNz!”. Okay yeah, I might not NEED a guy, but I would LIKE to have one, and I don’t want that being invalidated please. I need ways to SOLVE this problem. My first idea was to ask friends if they know any guys they think could be good for me to meet. I doubt that would work though. With the fact that I just turned 18, I had another idea. But only as a LAST RESORT… What if I tried out a dating app? (Not a mainstream one, but one meant more specifically for people my age?). I highly doubt I’d actually find anything, but I’m still curious if it’d be worth a shot. (Even though I’d have to somehow keep it a secret from my parents). Here’s some things I want to clarify first though: -I would do extensive research on the app beforehand to make sure the app has good ratings/demographics/safety systems in place ahead of time. -I would background-check people’s social media accounts. -I would ask people to show me their ID. -I would be cautious in not sharing too much personal information, and being on the lookout for predatory red flags. -I would block people if they seemed suspicious. -If I were to decide to meet up with anyone, it would be in a PUBLIC place, and I would NOT get any rides from the person. And, I would video-chat with them beforehand. What do you guys think? Would a dating app be a bad idea for me to try out? If not, do you have any more safety tips to give, or app recommendations? Thanks for reading! From Catherine
Hi! I appreciate how much time you took writing to us. It’s good that you know exactly what you’re looking for. It’s also good that you have a clear understanding of what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. Relationships, I agree, add ‘plot’ to life. They can also be messy and complicated sometimes. When looking for a relationship you have a list of very specific things you are looking for. One suggestion might be to determine if each item on the list is mandatory and non-negotiable-and if any of them might have some flexibility. It's good that you know that you might not be able to find the person you are looking for until you get to college. You mentioned asking your friends if they knew anyone. That might work, or you might ask your friends if they have ideas for how you might find the right person. Sometimes the right person just randomly comes into your life. Dating apps can create a bigger pool to look for people in but they can also be full of unfortunate possible circumstances. You might want to steer clear of those since your timeframe for transitioning to college is fairly brief. I hope you find what you are looking for. You deserve all the happiness! from eric
Hey, thanks for reaching out. It looks like you’re asking for a lot here, and I’m gonna be honest, there is little chance you find a guy with all of those perfect aspects. With our generation, not only do a lot of us “carry a lot of baggage”, but many of us have also never dated, or been in a proper relationship before. I would strongly encourage you to not view people who have never dated as experiencing “the training grounds”. Never having been in a relationship does not mean a person is dating someone as some sort of trial or something. Yes some people do that, but that is a very small majority. It’s very important to have standards, no doubt, but having such high, and somewhat unrealistic standards, especially for the time being. As for the dating app, personally, I see that as a pretty risky and unnecessary way of going about things, so I would advise against it. I hope this helps and it was what you were looking for. -Eric from holly
Hi there, I'm Holly. I can definitely empathize with wanting a relationship. I started dating my girlfriend a few months ago and it is definitely the happiest I have ever been. It's awesome you know what you want in a guy and having standards is important, However I believe that all people have their flaws. There is no 100% perfect person, right? I would say to have a slightly more open minded while still keeping true to what you know you want. I can understand not wanting to be somebody’s first girlfriend but I would definitely think about giving them a chance, they could be everything you have been looking for. There is no “specific” way to date. Everybody's journey is different and I don't think you can't judge people until ya get to know them. I personally would stay away from dating apps, there is too much risk and you seem like you're really trying to stay safe. I have seen where people think they know a person even after meeting them and thinking they are great but at the end of the day you never know what they are doing when you're not around. I have seen too many horror stories about young adults trying out dating apps and the person they are talking to turns out to be a stalker or a danger. It's also important that here at TeenTalk we don’t aim to necessarily solve your problems, rather work through them with you so you can be at a more comfortable place with yourself. I hope this was helpful and you find what you are looking for. 9/24/2024- My E-girlfRIEND who treated my badly is wanting me back?
Hi, I’m not sure how to go about this but I dated this girl (I am lesbian) and we were really happy until I learned she was cheating on me and spreading rumors about my mental health. She has recently started texting me and is being strangely friendly. she is putting hearts after every message and saying she misses talking to me. It feels weird and I still like her but I don’t know. I need help.
from heather
Hey there! I’m Heather. Thank you so much for reaching out! I’m sorry that this is happening to you. It can be really confusing and frustrating when someone wants to come back into your life after hurting you. It’s normal to feel lost in this situation, especially when you still have feelings for the person. Ultimately, you have the choice to decide if you would like to let her back into your life or not. If her reaching out to you feels weird, then it might be good to listen to your gut feeling about reconnecting with her. I don’t know her intentions, but you deserve a partner that treats you well. You don’t have to give her a second chance if you don’t feel comfortable with it or if you feel like this wouldn’t be a good relationship for you! But I understand how hard it can be to let go of someone that you still have feelings for, even when they hurt you. If you’d like, you can communicate your concerns with her and hopefully land on the same page. Just remember that love is abundant. Even when it feels like there's no one else out there for you, there always will be! This girl may not be a good match, but I know there's girls out there that will give you the love you deserve. Please don’t settle for someone that treats you poorly. That can be easier said than done, but relationships are supposed to make both people happy, not just one. People can change, but regardless it’s your choice to decide if you want to move forward with her. I really wish I could make this situation easier for you, but I believe in you. No matter how you decide to deal with this situation, I hope it works out for you! I’m sending love your way <3
-Heather from marley
Hey, thank you for reaching out! Sometimes it can be hard to ask for advice, and I really, really appreciate your trust. I’m sorry to hear about everything you’re going through, and it definitely seems like a rough and confusing experience. I’ve been in a similar situation, and while I may not know exactly what you’re experiencing right now, I can wholeheartedly say that it’s NEVER fun to deal with a partner who doesn’t value your boundaries and trust.
I may not be able to tell you exactly what you should do, considering I don’t know the full situation, but from what you’ve shared, I can definitely say it’s important to put yourself first and think about what’s best for you and your well-being. Toxic relationships can be hard, especially when you still have feelings for someone, but it’s always important to make sure that your feelings and mental health are being respected and valued by your partner. If your partner can’t meet that, then you deserve someone who can care for you in that special way. I hope you find this helpful, and I truly wish the best for you and this situation. If there's anything you can take away, I hope it’s that you know that you deserve to be valued by the people (and relationships) in your life. If someone doesn't appreciate you while you're there, you deserve someone who does. Anyways, I hope you reach out if you ever need advice or just someone to talk to! I’d love to talk!! Marley :) from quinn
Hello, I'm Quinn. I haven't had to deal with something like this, but I have been in friendships where people have really hurt me. That sounds really hard to be betrayed like that, and she really hurt you. It's really hard when you have to deal with still liking them and being really hurt by them. It's a really tricky situation that they just started to talk to you like nothing happened. You should know that you don't owe her anything, you don't have to reply or be nice to her. If you think that it would be best to just ghost her so you don't have to keep reliving that pain or feel like you might make a bad decision. In my experience when people were lying to you and betrayed you like that in the past, when they come back and are too nice it means that they want to use you, and will do it again. You should block her. If you feel like it would be helpful you could send a message saying that you are setting boundaries and you don't want to talk to her, or just explaining what you need. It's important to not put yourself in relationships with toxic people, and to prioritize yourself .I know it's really hard, and you probably won't be over her even after, but it's important to set those healthy boundaries to protect yourself. I'm sure you will do great! Sometimes with these situations it's hard to know the whole picture from just one paragraph, or sometimes you need more advice, so if you want to talk some more you can call 360.397.2428 or text 360.984.0936. Or email at [email protected]. We are open monday-thursday 4-9. And Friday 4-7. Please reach out if you want! I hope it goes well!
-Quinn from may
Hi! I’m May. That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I’m sorry you’re going through that. While I understand you do like her, which is completely valid and okay because you’re a human and you can’t control those kinds of feelings, it doesn’t sound like she has treated you very well and I wouldn’t suggest moving forward with a relationship with her. I’m sure you are an extraordinary person and you deserve better than that! I would suggest having a conversation with her to set some boundaries. I wish you the best and if you need anything me and the other volunteers at TeenTalk are here if you decide you want to talk more or if you need further support. 9/10/2024- How to let go
My gf and I broke up couple weeks ago. She now says she wants to be friends. I can’t see how that would ever work . How do I tell her that and not sound like a real a hole.
From Jon
Hey! I’m Jon, and it’s safe to say I’ve been in that situation before...sorry to hear that you’re going through that. It’s important that you maintain yourself in this situation. All in all, it’s really up to you on how to approach it. As with my experience, ‘staying friends’ never worked out, and did more harm than good. When communicating with how you feel, consider prioritizing honesty and respect, while also being direct, it’s really important in getting your feelings across. You can explain that you need time and space to heal from the breakup, and that being friends is not be the best option for you. It’s completely appropriate to communicate this with them, in this way, since your feelings matter. –Jon From Heather
Hey there! I really appreciate you reaching out about this. I’m sorry to hear about your breakup, they can be super super rough. I understand why you don’t think it could work, it's especially hard when it's soon after the breakup and you’re still processing your feelings. It's great that you want to tell her in a polite way. But you deserve the chance to set this boundary with her, if that's what you feel like doing! And, if she wants to be friends, it sounds like she cares about you and would be understanding of how you feel about the situation. You could let her know that you don’t think it would work over text, call, or in person, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. If you tell her why or what makes you think it wouldn’t work, it might make it easier for her to understand your point of view. Give her a chance to explain how she feels and talk it over! This can be a really uncomfortable conversation, but giving each other the chance to openly talk about their feelings and needs can help both of you feel more comfortable.While you can’t be sure of how she’ll react, be proud of yourself for taking that risk and being honest about how you feel. A lot of people struggle to do this, especially with people they’re close with. You’re taking the first step by reaching out to us! I really hope this goes well for you :) I’m rooting for you!!! -Heather From Marley
Heeyyy! Thank you so much for reaching out! I know it can be tough to ask for advice, so I really appreciate you taking that step and contacting us 😊😊. It's completely understandable to want to set boundaries, and everything you’ve shared is totally valid. While I may not be in your position, if I were, I might say that I’m not comfortable being friends right now and that there are emotional boundaries I’m not ready to move past—but that I still wish them well. It's important to prioritize your own feelings in a situation like this, and the right person will (and should!!!!) understand and respect that. Anywayys, I hope this finds you well, and if you ever need support in the future, a TeenTalker is always here for you!! - Marley 😊😊 From May
Hi! I’m May. I’m so glad you reached out. That sounds like a stressful situation and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. In my opinion, I do think it would be good to have a respectful conversation with her. That kind of conversation can be hard to have, so try to just be respectful and open-minded about it. First, it’s important that you know what it would mean to her to be friends. She could just mean that she wants to be friendly with you, but not necessarily talk all the time like friends would (I hope you understand what I mean by that), which I think is good because that would avoid drama. If you still decide that you don’t want that even after finding out what she wants, that is completely okay too. It’s okay to not want to pursue a relationship with someone that you don’t want. It’s completely up to you who you want to be friends with and who you don’t. I think the best course of action is to just say something short and sweet like “I’m sorry but I don’t think I’m ready for that, it’s nothing against you, I just don’t think that would work out well.” Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this, because that is quite a stressful situation. I hope everything turns out well for you. We’re here if you need further support. -May
From Hailey
I can’t really say much on how to say it without sounding like an a hole only because in this situation I tend to be the gf because I hate having people not like me and I’d rather try to stay friends but in this case I honestly think ghosting her or like progressively hint at the fact that you don’t want to be friends with her is best primarily because it’s less of a chance for it to be a messy cut off -Hailey 05/05/2023 - I regret dating my boyfrienD
Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend but I feel upset about how we got together. We started dating after about a month of knowing each other and he asked me out over text. I wish I would've switched the topic when he asked me out so I could save it for real life and for a little longer. I just really wanted to be the one to ask him out and I wanted it to be special, like in real life at least. It's been bothering me and I've been having anxiety cuz of it becuz I'm afraid I'll have to leave my boyfriend but I love him and I still wanna be with him. I just wish I could change the past. Should I tell him? I'm afraid to.
FROM MIA
Thank you for reaching out to us! I see how that might be causing you to feel anxious. I think the most important thing from this situation is if you are happy with them. He might have been nervous to ask you out in person and did it over text instead. As long as you are happy with him, you don't have to worry about the past. It is important to focus on the future. You could tell him that you wanted to ask him out as well! If you ever want to talk more, don't hesitate to reach out to us! FROM BRI
Thanks for your message :) I totally get that stress and wishing you could make things different in your origin story. I think it can be super easy to get bogged down by the stress of trying to get everything "picture perfect" because I feel like there is sometimes a lot of pressure about that kind of stuff. Only you know if you should tell him and how he would respond, but I think that if you did tell him it might make him change how he does stuff in the future knowing that it is important that stuff like that is said in person rather over text. I mean you could always break up and start over with someone new, but I am assuming the reason you said yes in the first place was because you felt something special and wanted to get to know them better or liked them in general. I totally get wanting a sweet origin story, but I guess at the end of the day you have to decide whether or not the future sweet moments is worth some of the awkward first moments together. I don't know if that makes sense but I hope it helps. And I hope that you will get some more in person moments soon. FROM TESSA
Hey, thanks for reaching out! Sometimes in life we wish we could do things over, but sadly that is not the case. Maybe you can talk to him about other ways he can show his admiration in person. Or, you can have a "do-over" for asking each other out. You can pretend it's the first time! I know it's not as special, but don't let the past hinder you from making new fun memories with him. I think it's okay to tell him you wish things went differently, as long as you make it clear that doesn't change what you want out of the relationship. Communication and honesty is key. Good luck and feel free to write back about how it goes! FROM MAGGIE
hello! i'm sorry this is causing you so much anxiety, but i'm so happy that youve been able to find someone who makes you so happy and who you care about so much! it definitely sounds disappointing that he never asked you out in person. i think you should definitely tell him that this has been bugging you (if youre comfortable with it!). you deserve someone who will make you happy and won't cause you anxiety. if your boyfriend is this person, he will understand and do everything he can to help you feel better. if your boyfriend is not this person and tries to even break up with you because of it, then maybe you want to rethink whether you want him in your life in the first place! you deserve someone who always has your best interests at heart and wants to make you happy. i really hope that you can figure this out. i believe in you and am sending you a million hugs!! -maggie 04/26/2023 - AM I overthinking?
I started dating my boyfriend 2 days ago and I said "I love you" on the first day. He said he's not cool with that yet cuz it's still early in the relationship. I apologized and said we can go slow and I won't say that til he's ready. But it's making me think what if he doesn't actually like me that much, am I getting played
FROM TESSA
Hey there, thanks for reaching out. It can be really exciting when you get into a new relationship. Emotions are very high and it sounds like you really care for your boyfriend. Everyone develops feelings at their own pace, and the way you feel for him is totally valid. Even though he wants to take things slow, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. Since he isn’t ready to say “I love you”, maybe you guys can talk about how to show affection for each other in different ways? Some people receive positivity and care though things quality time or acts of service. If you’re doubting his intentions, I think it’s good to have a conversation and establish expectations in the relationship. Communication is key, and both you and him deserve to feel fulfilled in this relationship. FROM LESLIE
hi, first of all thank you for reaching out to us! i think your response to him saying he's not ready yet was really good, it comes off super nice and mature. a lot of people have different opinions on saying "i love you" and even though his is different from yours that doesn't mean he doesn't like you :) i wouldn't be worried about being played unless you have concerns from other situations, in which i would recommend just talking to him about it straight up. but from what you've told me it seems like you guys are good, he just needs a little bit of time ^-^ FROM MIA
Hey! Thank you for writing to us! I understand how this situation may make you worry about your relationship with your boyfriend. I don’t think you are getting played. His response may not mean that doesn’t like you. He just might need more time before saying “I love too” back. Thank you for reaching out and I hope for the best! |
